Gemini

Yesterday, I had Gia and her boyfriend take me out to the res so I could buy some smokes, we smoked in the car on the ride back, I forgot how it feels to be high in a car. Roberto and I used to do it all the time when we were together.

Today I was supposed to go to my cousin’s 16th birthday but there’s supposed to be 90 people there and I really don’t want to have a panic attack, so I’m not going. Besides I don’t feel good anyways, and I all but can’t stand that side of the family.

My one aunt always has such an attitude, it makes me wish my grandmother were still alive because she could use a good kick in the ass. She acts like my mom is dishonoring my dad because she’s getting married, My dad’s been dead for almost 5 years, my mom deserves to move on, come on now.

K and I: We are officially dating again, it’s been since July 30th, 2008 this time around. We are doing really well, and I can tell he really cares about me. I haven’t seen him in a week though because his car’s registration expired and he doesn’t want to drive into whiteville (Kenmore) and get a ticket/his car impounded/going to jail.

My parents (my mom and Matt) would throw a fit if they knew I was dating him because of our age difference, but age doesn’t matter to me, K treats me how I deserve to be treated and thats all that matters to me. Plus, it’s not my fault my mom decided to get engaged to someone whose 9 years younger then she is, see that’s the real issue for them, Matt is 39 and K is 37.

I don’t see the problem, I’m 25, it’s not like I’m 17. whatever.

Depression: I have been having strong problems with depression, It was way worse last week, I only went to group once, this week It’s been better but it’s still not perfect. The worst part is, I’ve been cutting a lot more, like I cut twice just this week.

Start date: Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008
End date: Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Key:

- Not started yet
- In the works (italics)
- Finished (Bolded)

Personal:

1. Make 5 new offline friends (4/5)
2. Move into an apartment with Mal
3. Get out from under my mother
4. Pay my own rent and cellphone bill
5. Get on SSI
6. Clean my house twice a week (/500)
7. Tell myself I love you every day (12/1001)
8. Get a Tattoo with my son’s name on it
9. Get a necklace in dedication to Jayden, my dad and my grandmother
10. Redecorate my apartment, the way I want it to look
11. Buy at least 10 more candles (2/10)
12. Take a picture of myself every day, no matter how bad I feel (2/1001)
13. Highlight my hair blond and Blue (done)
14. Do a day in the life twice a month (0/500)
15. Live in the moment every day (12/1001)
16. Get a physical (done)
17. Go to the OBGYN every 6 months
18. Get a new bed

Beliefs

19. Get closer to God
20. Read the bible twice a week for a year (0/183)
21. Meet 5 new Christian friends (4/5)
22. Go to church at least once a month for a year (4/12)
23. Help at least 10 people get closer to God or bring them to God (0/10)
24. Actually pray for other people when I say I will
25. Pray for someone every day (0/1001)
26. Pray when I need some help for myself
27. List 200 reasons why I love God (0/200)

Online

28. Make at least 5 new online friends (3/5)
30. Be active every day on the MBs I am apart of (1/1) (Done)
31. Update my blog Twice a month (3/500)
32. Revamp my website (done)

Health

33. Quit Smoking
34. Lose 30+ pounds : start weight 236
35. Exercise twice a week for 3 months (0/45 days)
36. Take a walk every day (15/1001)
37. Eat something every day (15/1001)
38. Cut down my soda intake
39. Quit smoking weed

Mental Health

40. Control my emotions more often
41. Don’t flip out when someone looks at me the wrong way
42. Go to group every day (4/1001)
43. Stop Cutting
44. Take my pills every day (14/1001)
45. Try to control my panic attacks
46. Try and control my anger

School

47. Buy a Ged Book
48. Get in GED classes (done)
49. Go for my GED again
50. Apply for college
51. Take my SATs
52. Go back to school
53. Do distance learning
54. Get my masters in social work

Learning

55. Learn ASL
56. Teach myself how to type home row
57. Learn a foreign language
58. Learn 2 new words a month (0/33)
59. Get my permit
60. Learn how to drive
61. Get my license

Friends

62. Send at least 50 thinking of you cards (0/50)
63. Write back to people as soon as I get their letters
64. Call friends who have left RTA’s on a regular basis
65. Keep in touch with friend’s that I haven’t spoken to in awhile
66. IM friends that are online even when I don’t feel like talking
67. Text friends back even when I don’t feel like talking
68. Send 100 letters out to friends (0/100)
69. Send 20 random packages to friends (0/20)

Reading/Writing

70. Read at least 20 new books (1/20)
71. Finish writing Endless sky
72. Write at least 33 poems (0/33)
73. Write 3 journals and send it to 3 random people (0/3)

Misc

74. Listen to all my music on shuffle without skipping any songs
75. Download music recommended to me
76. Write down my dreams if I remember then
77. Go two weeks without swearing or cursing (12/14)
78. Buy an address book and keep it up to date
79. Save 2 dollars, every time I complete something on this list (0/101)
80. Walk for a cause
81. Keep stamps on me at all times
82. Buy a cross necklace

Electronics

83. Buy a video camera
84. Buy a new cell phone
85. Buy new DVD’s when I get the chance
86. Buy a DVD shelf

Traveling

87. get my passport
88. Spend a day in Canada
89. Visit Bree and Wendi
90. Go to disney world

Games

91. Put the sims 2 back on my computer (done)
92. try not to over download clothes and stuff
93. Play at least once a week (1/500)
94. Try to populate a sims 2 neighborhood from scratch

Family

95. Go to my Grandparents house every week for 2 years (1/730)
96. Go to all family fuctions (1)
97. Call my mom atleast once a week (1)

Other
98. Buy a domain
99. Open a fourm
100. Learn PHP
101. Be happy

I am going to see my son today, I’m excited. Update when I get home

Start date: Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008
End date: July 22nd, 2010

Key:

- Not started yet
- In the works (italics)
- Finished (Bolded)

Personal:

1. Make 5 new offline friends (4/5)
2. Move into an apartment with Mal
3. Get out from under my mother
4. Pay my own rent and cellphone bill
5. Get on SSI
6. Clean my house twice a week (/500)
7. Tell myself I love you every day (1/1001)
8. Get a Tattoo with my son’s name on it
9. Get a necklace in dedication to Jayden, my dad and my grandmother
10. Redecorate my apartment, the way I want it to look
11. Buy at least 10 more candles (2/10)
12. Take a picture of myself every day, no matter how bad I feel (1/1001)
13. Highlight my hair blond and Blue (done)
14. Do a day in the life twice a month (0/500)
15. Live in the moment every day (1/1001)
16. Get a physical (done)
17. Go to the OBGYN every 6 months
18. Get a new bed

Beliefs

19. Get closer to God
20. Read the bible twice a week for a year (0/183)
21. Meet 5 new Christian friends (4/5)
22. Go to church at least once a month for a year (4/12)
23. Help at least 10 people get closer to God or bring them to God (0/10)
24. Actually pray for other people when I say I will
25. Pray for someone every day (0/1001)
26. Pray when I need some help for myself
27. List 200 reasons why I love God (0/200)

Online

28. Make at least 5 new online friends (3/5)
29. Put out an Update once a week for Shy distress (1/143)
30. Put out an update once a week for With love (1/143)
31. Be active every day on the MBs I am apart of (0/1)
32. Be active in all the RTA’s I am apart of (2/2) (done)
33. Update my blog Twice a month (1/500)
34. Revamp my website (done)

Health

37. Quit Smoking
38. Lose 30+ pounds : start weight 236
39. Exercise twice a week for 3 months (0/45 days)
40. Take a walk every day (1/1001)
41. Eat something every day (1/1001)
42. Cut down my soda intake
43. Quit smoking weed

Mental Health

44. Control my emotions more often
45. Don’t flip out when someone looks at me the wrong way
46. Go to group every day (0/1001)
47. Stop Cutting
48. Take my pills every day (1/1001)
49. Try to control my panic attacks
50. Try and control my anger

School

51. Buy a Ged Book
52. Get in GED classes (done)
53. Go for my GED again
54. Apply for college
55. Take my SATs
57. Go back to school
58. Do distance learning
60. Get my masters in social work

Learning

61. Learn ASL
62. Teach myself how to type home row
63. Learn a foreign language
64. Learn 2 new words a month (0/33)
65. Get my permit
66. Learn how to drive
67. Get my license

Friends

68. Send at least 50 thinking of you cards (0/50)
69. Write back to people as soon as I get their letters
70. Call friends who have left RTA’s on a regular basis
71. Keep in touch with friend’s that I haven’t spoken to in awhile
72. IM friends that are online even when I don’t feel like talking
73. Text friends back even when I don’t feel like talking
74. Send 100 letters out to friends (0/100)
75. Send 20 random packages to friends (0/20)

Reading/Writing

76. Read at least 20 new books (0/20)
77. Finish writing Endless sky
78. Write at least 33 poems (0/33)
79. Write 3 journals and send it to 3 random people (0/3)

Misc

80. Listen to all my music on shuffle without skipping any songs
81. Download music recommended to me
82. Write down my dreams if I remember then
83. Go two weeks without swearing or cursing (1/14)
84. Buy an address book and keep it up to date
85. Save 10 dollars, every time I complete something on this list (0/101)
86. Walk for a cause
87. Keep stamps on me at all times
88. Buy a cross necklace

Electronics

89. Buy a video camera
90. Buy a new cell phone
91. Buy new DVD’s when I get the chance
92. Buy a DVD shelf

Traveling

93. get my passport
94. Spend a day in Canada
95. Visit Bree and Wendi
96. Go to disney world

Games

97. Put the sims 2 back on my computer
98. try not to over download clothes and stuff
99. Play at least once a week (0/500)
100. Try to populate a sims 2 neighborhood from scratch

Family

101. Go to my Grandparents house every week for 2 years (1/730)

I went to court on Monday and finally got my visitation back, My mom and I don’t understand why it is still supervised, since I didn’t do a damn thing wrong. The court is planning on giving Roberto back custody, still I don’t understand what he has to do to lose custody, he already got caught leaving our son alone twice. Does my son need to end up dead for people to get it, wtf.

I see him on Thursday, I am scared to death and I really want Matt to go with me but I am not sure if he can. I am terrified that their (the global village people) are going to judge me on how I care or interact with my son. We’ll see how it goes

I’m sick again, I think it’s my new meds but I am still up and I usually go to bed at 8pm. My stomach and head are killing me, I have to use the bathroom every 5 minutes, I feel like I’m going to throw up and I’m hot. I can’t miss anymore group but I honestly may not go tomorrow, if I don’t feel better and am able to get some sleep.

Josh and I are done for Good, He has so many moodswings and I can’t handle them anymore, He says I’m bad, whatever he is so much worse. Ollie was a moron, K is pussy-whipped, I need a real man.

I just did 4 lessons of the GED classes in 15 minutes, they were so easy, I hope things get harder soon. Math is what is going to kill me, I forgot all the stuff that I knew.

I have to leave for group in 30 minutes and then after group I’m going to my grandparents house because I haven’t seen them in 3 weeks.

I am looking for new active MBs to post on since EMB disappeared.

So I went to group today and I ended up getting sick, so I left early and told them I wouldn’t be back until Monday. I am giving myself a 3 and a half day weekend, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, my stomach hurts, my head hurts and I’m lightheaded. I’m currently waiting for Eric to call me, he’s not that cute and he’s 2 years younger then me but I’m bored and I want to talk on the phone.

I came home and took a 7 hour nap so I am not tired right now, I wish I could sleep though because it doesn’t matter what time I wake up on Friday or Saturday, but on Sunday I have to wake up early for church. I should use this time and reply to penpal letters but I’m not in the mood.

It seems I am not in the mood to do anything lately, all I want to do is sleep, maybe I’m switching into depression mode with my bi-polar disorder. I didn’t even think I could get depressed, since I rarely am, I am mostly in mania. My medication is not working and I’m going to run out before I see my new doctor on the 30th.

The lawyer place is giving me the run around, they keep telling me to call back, it’s annoying. They never should have taken visitation away from me in the first place, I didn’t do anything wrong and I think it’s complete bullshit how his father, who left him alone, gets to see him and they won’t let me see him because of my mental problems.

I owe so many people penpal letters, I’ll probably do them all on saturday and send them out on Monday. Does anyone want a letter, email me at honeyny22@gmail.com with your address and I’ll send you one.

I wish these GED classes would start already, I have group today all day so I’m bringing my Christianity for dummies book with me. It’s going to be a long day, I can’t wait for the weekend.